So I spent all summer finding new people to hang out with, get away from how I'd spent all of high school, and I ended the summer by having a few drinks at a party, making out with Wayne in a movie theatre, and kissing another guy too (who's gay to boot). Now I have a headache. At least I got to stay with Emily last night. She leaves on Friday, and I don't want her to. She says she's goign to come back every Friday for Sly feeding and spend the weekends and all that jazz but who knows if it'll actually happen. I mean, she's going away to college, there's no way she's going to come home every weekend. It'll probably start off as every weekend and then go to every other weekend and then I'll go out to New Haven to visit her one weekend and then we'll see each other like once a month and that's how it'll go from there. Brian says he doesn't really talk to anyone he went to high school with. That's what happens. I just don't want it to. I like how things are right now, I love being able to hang out with Emily whenever I want to. I'm going to try my best to keep our friendship going through college and everything and I can only hope she will, which I'm sure she'll do. And there's also Anna, who will be even further away, but who I'll totally go and visit, and not just to go to Cleveland. And I'll have Kristy here at school with me and then there's a bunch of other people at SU too so it'll all be cool and I have nothing to worry about. But I still keep worrying.

Well, the big birthday's on Monday. I mean, it's not really big in the grand scheme of things. There's that whole being a legal adult thing but it's not like I'm really going to be any different than I am now. And I can register to vote now, which I'm sure Emily will make sure I do right away on Monday. I'll get to it at some point, elections aren't until November and the ones this year don't even count for anything, it's just local stuff.

That lingering hope is getting there, the one that gets there on every birthday, that maybe mom will show up. I know she won't. If she couldn't show up for them when I was a kid, back when birthdays really meant something and I had a big party, why would she show up now when it's just going to be burgers and smores at Brian's? And the realization that I'm getting to the age she was when she had me, and the age she was the last time we saw her definitely hasn't escaped me. It's like I'm catching up to her. The last pictures we have of her are from her senior year. Brian says I look like her but I don't see it. Or maybe I just don't want to see it.

Ok, I'm being too damn mopey in this thing again. I'm turning 18. Hell yeah, time to party. Or just time to work, since it's late and that's what I do tomorrow.

Usher and his fiance are going to have a baby. Well damn, there goes my plans with him! Oh well. I wish them the best of luck. Really, I do.

I just read over my last journal entry and I sound way emo. It also seems like my prayers maybe got answered, or are on the way to being answered. I'm branching out, away from the same old people. Like last Friday night was totally nuts and all but I'll admit it, I had a pretty damn good time. Emily Bernstein stopped by, totally out of the blue, because she wanted to see us feed Sly. I don't think I really get her yet, I mean, who does that? But on the other hand, I liked talking to her. It was nice having someone come over and show an interest in my life. I emailed her the other day and she said she had a date on Friday night so she wouldn't be able to make it, which means that she was planning on coming over again. It was kind of fun. I actually hope she'll come over again, she started trying to have a political debate with grandpa that was just too damn funny, grandpa had no idea what to do. Grandma was just her usual awesomely nice self, I don't know what she really thought of Emily.

And tomorrow, I'm going jogging with Kristy Thomas. It'll be nice having a jogging partner again outside of the track team. I miss jogging with grandpa. I mean, of course I miss having that time with him but I also miss just having someone to jog with. Vivien doesn't exactly count as someone to talk to, even though that doesn't exactly stop me! It'll be killer to maybe end up with a new jogging partner out of this. I talked with her that one day at Disney and we've talked at school now and then and she's pretty cool. So, hopefully that'll be fun tomorrow.

So, the summer has started. And what am I doing? Same thing I'm always doing. Clinic, playing with the animals, helped out grandma at Vacation Bible School, yoga class, and then just doing the aimless wandering around town. I don't know. I feel like I just want something new. It's just the same old, same old. I'm tired of having no connections with anyone. I mean, I can always call up like Sabrina or Susan or Wayne or Brian or Kathleen or someone and be able to have someone to hang out with, but that's it. Even at Disney, I didn't find a lot of people. I just sort of went out each day and hung with whoever I ran into. I tried a day with Susan but all she cared about was being with Bruce so whatever to that. I swear, when I have a boyfriend (which is a big if, at this point, I'll never get past a second date and the closest thing I've got is Wayne, which is just pathetic), I'm not going to be like her. I'm going to actually pay attention to other things in the world. A boyfriend is not the only thing that matters in life. Although I still think it'd be really nice to have one. Or a total close confidante kind of friend. Someone I can really talk to about stuff. I mean, like, all my friends just know that I live with my grandparents. No one really knows why. God, the most I've ever let out was when I blurted out to Emily Bernstein about mom dropping out of high school. Will I ever have anyone who I can actually talk to?

I sound completely pathetic. I know I do. But this journal is the only place I have to be pathetic in.